Characters' Lament
by Anysia
Summary: The characters of Pokemon rant about the generally awful condition of the fics in their fandom.
1. Ash

**_Characters' Lament_**

Summary: The characters of Pokemon rant about the generally awful condition of the fics in their fandom.

A/N: Maureen, one of the reviewers of "To Arms!", mentioned starting a mob and lynching all the "crapfic authors" (great idea, BTW). I started thinking about Pokemon badfic and began to wonder just how the characters would react to their treatment in the realm of bad grammar and weak plots known as fanfiction. This was the result.

            As an added note, I know that I'm probably (check—_definitely_) going to get flamed for this, but if you get offended by the "characters'" opinions, you're just supporting the crap clogging up this site. Really, don't you get tired of wading through countless inane stories to find one worth reading? 'Cause I sure as hell do. 

            One more quick note: all the characters are narrating through their 'older' personas; it would be a lot more boring if a twelve-year-old Ash was bemoaning the general lack of quality in fics.

Disclaimer: Pokemon belongs to Nintendo, Game Freak, 4Kids, and probably some other people I'm forgetting. In any case, it's not mine.

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**CHAPTER ONE: ASH**

As the (human) star of _Pokemon and half of what is arguably the most popular 'ship' in the fandom, I've been one of the main targets of "crapfics". The fics I've been featured in generally fall into three categories: A) fics chronicling my various journeys to different gyms, towns, etc; B) fics where I'm basically a supporting player to the author's own self-insert/"new" character; and C) the most popular category—those mushy-gooey-lovey-dovey fics starring me and my "other half"—Misty. _

            The stories about things I'm actually into, like battles and stuff, are actually not too numerous—which is a really good thing, 'cause as thrilling as battles are in real life, they are boring as _hell _to read about. Besides, it's not like I'm actually _gettin__' the friggin' badge, so why go through all the motions of it?_

            The second category concerns those far-too-nicely labeled "new trainer" fics; I'd have settled for "not even vaguely interesting, two-dimensional character that no one really gives a shit about" fics. But that's just me. Anyway, thank whatever benevolent being you believe in for small miracles—most NT fics don't even bother to feature me in the first place anymore. I guess I should be a little insulted; I dunno. Right now I'm just thankful. (Oh, and while we're on the topic, the god of Pokemon fanfic—Ace Sanchez—wrote a friggin' _hilarious _send-up of the aforementioned fics. You can read it at his site: . While you're there, check out—if you haven't already—the epic "Pokemon Master". I kick such righteous _ass_.)

            I've been holding back a bit from the last category, mainly because it's so huge, popular…and often horrifically sucky that I'm left wondering if these authors are under the age of four or just completely incapable of writing anything coherent.

            Okay, I'm no genius. I just found out last week that OPEC is not, as I had previously believed, a denture adhesive. But even _I _know that ten-year-olds are not going to go up to someone and gush about their "feelings". Maybe I'm not indicative of the normal, hormonal teenage guy (*cough*Brock*cough*), but I thought girls had cooties until the age of thirteen. Hell, I'm eighteen now and I still think that girls have some kind of weird disease that compels them to wear stupid, ugly, uncomfortable shoes (ohh, I am in so much trouble if Misty reads this…). But the point is, I did not even begin to "notice" girls until about my first year as a teenager (Brock? I think he hit on the nurse that delivered him). 

            Why the hell do these authors think I would throw myself headfirst into a long-term relationship when I was ten friggin' years old?

            I guess it's just a plot device—albeit not one of the better ones. That's another thing about these "romance" fics—there are a set number of plot devices to choose from. Like, either Misty or I get deathly ill, and it forces us to realize our feelings for each other. It's been done really well a few times and really poorly about five hundred times.

            Another running theme is the "fight" scenario. It's actually very formulaic and is as follows: A) Misty/I say(s) something stupid/hurtful. B) Hurt person runs off. C) Guilty person finds hurt person. D) Hurt person explains why they are upset. E) Guilty party understands and offers a few words of comfort. F) We kiss. G) Small bit of humor to end the fic (optional). I guess you can plot out _every _story like that if you really try, but so many fics of this kind have been popping up lately that I just had to address it.

            Okay, I'm not gonna dis _all romance fics; I love…okay, _like _to sit down and read a good fluffy fic about me and my temperamental girlfriend (okay, so I'm a sap. Sue me). But for every good fic out there, there's a hundred that make me cringe. _

            The bottom line is this: I am never going to stop the influx of badfics constantly popping up on the web. In fact, I know that twenty years from now, the same fics types I've spent the last twenty minutes railing against will still be pouring in. Hopefully by then I'll be a multimillionaire with a mansion on the French Riviera and enough money not to give a shit about my mistreatment in fanfics.

            In spite of all my complaining, there really are some great fics out there—even in the categories I basically lambasted. Future authors shouldn't be discouraged by my comments; just think about them before you decide to stick me and my friends in some boring, made-up gym or write a fic in which I…*shudder*…sleep with my mother (yes, there is a fic where this happens. I stumbled across it and promptly threw up everything I'd eaten in the last three days).

            One last note: I wholeheartedly encourage future "Ash/Misty" lemons.

            _Wholeheartedly_. eg

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End A/N: Bring on the flames, baby! Here are some possible vicious names you may call me in your nasty reviews: a) hypocritical bitch; b) stupid slut who thinks she can write; c) Anysia. Be creative!


	2. Misty

**_Characters' Lament_**

Summary: The characters of Pokemon rant about the generally awful condition of the fics in their fandom.

A/N: Woo-hoo! I got my very first flame for this story! Lets me know I'm doing my job. Seriously, though, _merci beaucoup _to everyone who reviewed; it really makes my day. 

            Older personas continue. I dunno; I just don't find ten-year-old Ash & co. particularly interesting to write about.

Disclaimer: see chpt. 1

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**CHAPTER TWO: MISTY**

            I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a "girly-girl".

            I had really considered this common knowledge—at least until my curiosity got the best of me and I delved into the world of fanfiction. Let's just get this straight at the onset: if Ash and I got into a fight, and he insulted me or said that he wished I had never joined him on his journey, I would not run away crying. I would beat him to a bloody pulp. Most girls who pack mallets are not known for their sensitive sides.

            I'm not going to completely _rip apart _the romance genre like _someone _did in his little rant, mainly because I really enjoy waff and fluff. But please—no more gushy declarations of love from a still-pre-pubescent Ash; it makes me giggle. That boy did not have a romantic bone in his body, and as much as the idea dominated my fantasies "back in th' day", I was fully aware that the odds of Ash running up to me, telling me he loved me, and giving me a big, sloppy kiss on the lips were about nil. 

            And am I the most hated character on _Pokemon _or something? I mean, it seems like every time I turn around, someone has posted a new fic in which I have a tortured past, am emotionally ravaged by something going on with Ash, or die. I want somebody to write a story where I do nothing but sit on a beach in Tahiti with a Speedo-clad Ash as my personal cabana boy. Mmm…

            The whole 'hated character' thing ties into my rant about Mary Sues, a.k.a. self-inserts. Sorry, Ash; you may have to deal with new trainer fics, but _I _have to deal with the ones that make me look like a total bitch. You know the type—some stunningly beautiful girl shows up and joins the group. Naturally, she's a great Pokemon trainer, and Ash is immediately wowed by her talents and proceeds to fall head over heels in love with her. I then give the girl a really hard time and come off as an incomprehensibly jealous raving lunatic. Ash yells at me, we fight, I leave, he and the girl admit they love each other and live happily ever after, yadda yadda yadda. If Ash ever _did _fall for another girl, I'd pretend to be happy for him, and then I'd spend the next five years resenting him and letting my hatred fester slowly.

            But contrary to another popular theme, I would _not _kill myself. I'm not letting my sisters touch one red cent of my inheritance. 

            Why are Ash-centric angst fics in such short supply? I'm always the one who gets shot, dies in a car crash, or contracts a deadly disease. Let's have a fic where _Ash _gets cancer, or pneumonia, or _chicken pox_, for God's sake! I'm not actually wishing a debilitating disease upon my significant other, but I'm getting a little tired of always being the one who gets tortured in these fics. I think I've earned a Purple Heart at this point.

            Hey, I have an idea; go for realism and give Brock herpes. It's only a matter of time.

            While we're on the topic, I think I'll address the topic of lemon-scented fics (a.k.a. hentai), since Ash spent very little time on the issue, apart from his hormonal final sentence. Then again, Ash has always been a little uncomfortable about sex in general, if you can believe it; I mean, just the other night…okay, I'm going to stop now. *clears throat* I really have nothing against hentai, but I'm sorry, there is just no justification for Ash and myself having sex when we're ten years old. That's just past disgusting, people. Really, anything under sixteen—which is legal in Japan—is _wrong. _Wrong, wrong, _wrong_. 

            Ash actually ignored one very rampant style of writing in his rant, and I'm very thankful because that means I can tear it apart. 

            Songfics.

            I like music. I like romantic music. But I don't like having the motions of my relationships put to music (for the record, if Ash and I _did _have a theme song, it would probably be "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better". Partly because it so wonderfully describes our mutual animosity in our early years, but also because Trish wrote a hilarious fic set to it. It's one of those rare songfics that doesn't suck.). Really, the only authors who seem to be able to do it well are veteran authors whose fics are wonderful beyond words and could write a fic to the tune of 'N Sync's "Space Cowboy" and not make it suck (rainflower, cultnirvana, and Brian are a few who come to mind…). You should avoid writing songfics _at all costs _if you are under the age of eight, own anything by O-Town, and/or are waiting anxiously for the 'N Sync reunion. I'll love you forever if you manage to hold back.

            I'm proud of myself; I managed to hold back from completely bashing all romance fics. That's because I love them to death, even some of the clichéd ones. A little soft moonlight, some whispered declarations of love…all tied together by a PG-13 sex scene. It's a formula that never fails (and completely reels in myself and probably the entire female population of the fanfiction world). Ah, _l'amour_… 

            I'm going to make a final plea to all prospective fanfic authors: please play nice. I don't really appreciate being known as the eternally-tortured character of _Pokemon_. Some writers have done a really good job with the angst, I must begrudgingly admit, and their fics are worth checking out. But with others, I just get the feeling that people think angst = drama = good fic, and that isn't necessarily the case. I'm still all for the beach in Tahiti, though.

            And in case anyone's wondering, I refuse to acknowledge any fic ever written starring me and a Tentacruel in an NC-17 environment. I don't even want to think about it.

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A/N: As of press time, the flame to good review ratio for this story was 1 : 16. I have to say that I'm honestly surprised; I expected a great deal of criticism from indignant crapfic authors. Oh, well. Maybe this time around…

            My favorite character is, as you may be able to tell from this chapter, Misty. I just had to spend a bit of time on the "Misty-torture-fics" because they're so popular in the fandom. That 'Tahiti' idea is starting to sound very appealing; I might have to write a one-shot about that as soon as I break through the writer's block I'm experiencing with "To Arms!" and get that damned second chapter up…

Quick Note to Brian: Read "December". Absolutely loved it. Feel like a total ass for having written a fic so similar. Honestly, if you want me to take it down, I will. 


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